It is 5am now........I had a fine day......to school, back home.....had a nap and i went dinner at the Pizza hut with Felix......gave me a treat....Besides that, the laugh of the day would be the person approaching Felix for some star thing.......I opened my email today when i got home, and i am surprised to see mails.....20 of them.....all birthday wishes.....a few who do not really know me, a few more classmates and acquaintences.......I appreciate those wishes on facebook no matter what.....they had it in mind.....Got to thank them..... Well, I suddenly felt drifted from my final project....it has been quiet, indeed, but the VI is not, it is ending next week and this week would be the deciding week......and the other group leader will not be here till thursday......I got to give some call for decisions......So far, i just need to get my sleeping time straight....besides that....care less of any other.......just focus...on sleeping.....of course.....and do not forget about the training......I got way more to go...... I put on masks to be cool and plain.....to hide the change on my face.......The one who know that some sudden fear would attack them, might be living in fear all night long........so that, hopefully, there would be no fear when things start to appear.....camouflaging....getting used to........and then we will all get what we call......peace. That is my philosophy

Today, indeed.......It is my birthday, birth time in 2 hours' time. Anyway, i am getting myself to sleep soon, i do not want to wake up regretting about sleeping late....so thats all folks. Well, this morning i played ball in Yishun, got myself taned.......actually more like the face is a little burnt....red....well, thats not important.......I helped a suzhou friend on her Management work, looks like i am pretty......not that bad......But i am rather nervous about the end result actually. Another monday starting tomorrow, not any different from previous weeks in this school....just without internet in school, all rights to access the web, this and that have been suspended, yes nice word to use, like some british officer.....SUSpended.......but actually, i do not have my own computer in school, so.....it does not matter to me.........i should enjoy the free time while it last.....in the studio.......more work will be coming as soon as this week ends......I received a couple of wishes on facebook from a couple of acquaintances...friends maybe, co-workers......around 5 in all......not that bad, i still people coming to me at least. Not as bad as I expect.....well........Although it is officially tomorrow but i think today is it, the real birthday, at this hour.....so i got to have a nice sleep to celebrate my 19th year on this planet. Life is being a little peaceful these few weeks, i wonder if it is a sign of some future disaster......yes i lost my phone a week ago, that is very frustrating....i would say stolen....yes. I lost my trust somehow....for Singapore after this.....It is not the clean Singapore i remembered years ago. Come on, Singapore is really clean comparing to the rest of the world.......so just feel good about it. Something reminded me of something......the dark reminded me of the death i once fear....always fear......and i cant wait for tomorrow,....because if tomorrow do not come, it will be the end for tonight. From time to time, i guess i am hiding my emotions about certain fear.....certain thoughts....certain expressions......Once i express them out, i am pretty impressed.......by how well i gush them out within..... a couple of minutes......of my time.......It is dark under the light. I am under the light. That is my philosophy

Its been a ordinary week, ......home, school, restarted balling with pram's second return. However Kurt is not back yet....., Basketball is not my game, I have been trying for some years, just 3 years. Did well for my size but it is not my game.....It....is closing in.......to the end of this year, 2009. I am not ready to be older yet. I am looking more like 17. My counselor was away and will be back in december, my sessions with her will end very soon as soon as i am "improved". Sometimes the image of death came back to me when i sleep, it is still there......It would never be gone. I am still escaping in my dreams......The everlasting escape, not sweet. The rain on this island has been pouring down recently, daily......making the sun feels rather sad. I remembered having good time with fellow suzhou folks 2 weeks ago........It let me understand my people. Well, I got to ball today with pram, there would not be much chance anyway, got to honour it. I can almost see the end of this week again......Time is driving......and I might be still sleeping when its time. Perhaps, sometimes, you really need to hold on to something, else......you drift along with the waves......That is my philosophy

I know, its been months.......quite some time before i get this posted. Few days ago, I tried to force myself to write something but i guess i have to leave it till i am more motivated......maybe today......My industrial attachment ended somewhere a month ago and I had another holiday being a lazy bum staying at home until i flew back to Nanjing then travelled between Suzhou and Nanjing, my mom 's home and my father's........Though the schedule is a little tight, I guess i did have some great time there. Revisited the Xuan Wu Lake in Nanjing, paddling the boat around.... enjoyed some sceneries....Well, the main objective for this return is basically because of my grandmothers, both maternal and paternal , since they are dying anytime, better return to see them before they are gone. The situation of them is quite similar but I guess they no longer know what is happening around them. Faster than said, I am back to Singapore a week later than the rest of the cohort, and I quickly suit back to the schedules and works to be done. The new home in Nanjing is splendid, really great, but it does feel a little cold though. I have not find out why but i guess it is just not something i am used to or familiar with......including the city and her people. I always find myself back to zero, always living as an underdog or rookie, back to the start..........always have to be confused a little.......cultural shock....yes, indeed. I have found out that my GPA has gone even lower last semester, well, I have no path to go but to get myself a victory at the end of this final project, I am going to do something for opera, music, design, I guess i am more familiar with that, i would want to make it a final comeback, its really victory or death, by the order of me..........However i would not panic, I will weigh it lighter in my mind, if not, emotional downfall might happen. Time after time, i remind myself to be strong.....and stronger... all aspects......I tried and trying......Building a castle of you own, building your stronghold.......like I said.........build your own great wall..........of everlasting length. That is my philosophy