Indeed......I am back to my bed. Sleeping through.......2 weeks, I got 2 weeks left for my final project and I know i am going to get it, nothing but victory. The last thing I wanna do is to leave this school as a total underdog. I am already one, I got nothing to lose. And indeed, again, the days before yesterday was fabulous. It feels brand new.......not like my usual lifestyle. I still remembered my past, my life as real a real underdog, misunderstood, accused, neglected, ostracized.......I have come a long way, true evolution in the making and i am pretty sure that this evolution is going to be even more amazing in the future, instant or distant, it is going to be revolutionary for me. A friend of my mom tell me that it is part of success, the road you take is different because you are going to be what they can never be. Indeed again.......I trusted myself....maybe for one of the few times, i trust myself for my uniqueness and what i am capable of doing including my talent, character or my......luck. Every time i did something, i accomplished something or I failed once again....I will look back....yes i look right back. I always look back, and that is the reason why I never forget. I always remember how things were like, and I never turned into darkness......Because it is what I am. I will die being what is good. And when my kind slowly dies out(maybe i am the only one left for my kind), I don't really care if there is no me in this world.......it is just part of evolution. Strongest survive.....not the good. Especially the weaker ones. It is not a sad story because I always tried to view logically and obey the universe, obey the way of the universal rule. Though i would not truly lie dead but I would not defy much. Maybe it is true that jewel would shine no matter what, It is still too early to say. I am still escaping from certain things somehow.....some feelings....some responsibility that i should take, now or future. I know my problems, i know I have to fix them soon. And I know the next great depression for me would not be too far away, and i just got out from one, i am not afraid to end up in another hole. Life is about walking and waiting, that is what i said once, now i say life is walking out of holes, into other holes, waiting in them and then walking out again. That is my philosophy

Well, everytime i think of my blog, i have the fear to write on it......I guess it could be laziness, or it might be the fear to record about me, again. Time has passed since my last post in november. This is January, 2010, twenty ten now. In fact almost 20 days into 2010, I felt absolutely fine so far, I returned to Nanjing , Suzhou and visited Shanghai again in december , for 2 weeks I rested myself since october, I am back to Singapore very soon and I am closing in for my Final project, matters are not surrounding the Graduation Show , they called it the Unit 10 for this year, and this time, the theme will be " Black Market", Indeed, everything black, including my outfit for the graduation booklet. 3 years has passed since my admission into design school of NYP, I am now on my way to the exit, i am almost done with it. Just a few more things to do while i get myself prepared for the 2 years national service in the army or maybe some other units. While i was in Nanjing, i spent a day with a friend, there is less relatives to see this time, in fact, more rests and attending some lessons and mini concert from the students taught by my mother. I did some work for my SZ friend here in Singapore, and i actually learnt something from them, in fact, testing my skills and talent in different areas, and the results turned out to be quite positive. I came back from home just few hours ago, a SZ web mate graduated from Australia and stopping by Singapore, I am giving a tour and I found changes within Singapore, I guess i hid myself at too much, maybe. When I got back to Singapore, before my major skin problem come, i noticed my fair skin has retained from the winter of NJ, but changes are done.......scars and use of medicine has caused the fairness to produce a dark atmosphere. I got myself a cheap new laptop but i didnt forget about the old desktop, despite the fact that it always fails, it has been my best partner for the past 7 years. It would not be discarded, for now at least. During my stay in NJ, i had several dinners with different friends of my mom, and i met someone new, someone working in the arts area, but not the usual kind. After talking and sharing thoughts with him, my mom rethink about the idea of choosing my future career, and i did too. The safer way is always some career related to arts management, something that i can use my talent and not the usual job for arts. There is an unsafe path to consider, it is , infact, most uncertain among many jobs. That is director, movie director actually, thats the goal, that came into my consideration for now, it could happen, but this is yet to be the time to decide, give me sometime, maybe a year or so as my army life goes on. But no matter being a director or not, i am giving myself 10 years. 10 years to sharpen up and it will be time to enter the society officially. If I were to take director as my future, 20 years i say, 20 years would be the time i am on my own stage. After that, it would be unknown again, for now. I dealt with my mental and psychological questions and i am officially terminated from the counseling sessions. The counselor is surprised and praised me for the good work. I might take the challenge of director, I am not a risk-taking person, I love lifestyles of certainty but this might be the greatest risk i am taking for the past 2 decades and it will definitely change my life, forever. At the boundary of change, I am again, a changed person with fresh minds for another new life. It is going to get more uncertain as it goes. I am sure of it. I could not escape my destiny, even when my personal idea is very passive, i got to live my current life and find my destiny, 何为宿命，归宿与命运, thats my chinese explanation for destiny. Destiny = end result of fate. Indeed thats what the chinese meaning is. I told myself, i wanted to die, but i always could not find the best way, now i found it, thats to die slowly, which is choosing a difficult path for my future. Just like a cup of wine, alchohol is my most disliked beverage but i gulped it down at once, I drinked it because i dislike it. I can do it for wine, why couldn't do something like that for a career which i might like and uses my talents. And if I do succeed, i get the big apple for sure. It is worth risking for a man who does not care about much, it is simply mad, for some, yes. You can either rot because the end will come or you can do whatever things you are capable of before the end comes. That is my philosophy